A New Season

It's been 4 months since I posted, and it's been a crazy 4 months. God has had me in a very unique season, and a very hard season, probably one of the hardest seasons I've ever been through. Usually when I don't post for awhile I give you a play by play of what I've been doing, but I'm gonna give you the Readers Digest version. It's consisted of a lot of leading worship, starting school, a funeral, a bachelorette weekend, a wedding, some hurt, but a lot of smiles a long the way.
I've coasted through life up until about 3 months ago. I don't mean I just sat around and did nothing, but I've had it pretty good.  I was staying busy, but no real big events took place  lately to rock me to my core. At the end of July me and my favorite guys (the band) had the amazing opportunity to lead worship for the South Carolina Methodist Youth Camp at Lake Junaluska. On my list of favorite times of leading worship, it's my current number 1. I think I'm still processing all that took place that weekend. Anyway, Saturday night while we were there our camp speaker (also our pastor) had set up a station experiential service. We led worship, and then went thru all these stations. To tell you the truth, I don't remember the stations, but I had a unique experience. It had been a heavily annointed worship set. I mean the presence of God was ALLOVER the room. As I sat down beside one of the youth leaders after the stations, I literally collapsed in tears in her arms. As she struggled to make sense of what I was saying, (and I was trying to make sense of what was going on with me) I finally muttered out the words, "I can't be strong anymore in front of everybody....I can't hold it all together for everyone anymore." And I lost it. I mean a ugly Oprah cry. But her words to me that night still ring true. After she prayed over me, (I have no clue what she said during her prayer, I was crying like a baby) she said very clearly, Britt, you don't have too, no one expects you to hold it all together.
Here's the kicker. I wasn't really going through anything. Life was good. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when life started happening, that I understood it. Background point on me: I DO NOT express emotion well, and I do not go through things well. I deal with them for like a day, and then I go in to survival mode. Anyway, life started happening, and all of a sudden I started dealing with all these emotions and started truly FEELING my way through life's events. It was really weird. I was going through things and they were consuming me for days at a time. As I frequently do, I began to question God and ask Him why I had the experience like I did, and why I had started reacting to things the way I was. He very clearly whispered into my heart, baby girl, I need you to FEEL these things. I need you to FEEL these emotions and deal through them. You can't truly experience these events, deal with them, and move forward if you never FEEL and work through your emotions.
Here is what I know. These last 3 months, especially the last month and a half have been really hard. I've really struggled, but I've made a promise to myself, and to a few around me, that I wouldn't shut down. I have to go through these things. I have to FEEL my way through these emotions. The best part of all this, is that there is Beauty from Ashes. I truly make it a point, even on my worst days, to look for the beauty. Don't misunderstand me, because some days, I'm struggling to smile. But I refuse to miss out on the beauty of the Lord.


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